6-19-2008.
Kobe Bryant
(With apologies to Alan Ginsberg.)
Kobe Bryant I’ve given you all and now I’m nothing.
Kobe Bryant 22 points on 7-of-22 shooting June 17, 2008.
I can’t stand the Celtics.
Kobe Bryant when will we end the drought?
I feel so bad I couldn’t even watch the Tivo.
I turned it on in the second quarter and then turned it off.
Kobe Bryant when will you be like Mike?
When will you take off from the free throw line?
When will you look at yourself in the backboard?
When will you be worthy of your million bandwagon jumpers?
Kobe Bryant why is the Staples Center full of tears?
Kobe Bryant when will you rain threes on the Garden?
I’m sick of you getting your teammates involved.
When can I go into the supermarket and see you on a box of Wheaties?
Kobe Bryant after all it is you and Gasol who were supposed to win this.
Their defense was too much for you.
You used to have an Afro.
There must be some other way to seal the deal.
Vujacic is in the bathroom crying I don’t think he’ll come back it’s embarrassing.
Are you embarrassed or is this some form of practical joke?
I’m trying to come to the point.
I refuse to give up my obsession.
Kobe Bryant stop passing you know what you’re doing.
Kobe Bryant the shots weren’t falling.
I haven’t been able to look at ESPN for days, all I see is green and it makes me homicidal.
Kobe Bryant I feel sentimental about Showtime.
Kobe Bryant I used to pretend I was Byron Scott when I was a kid and I’m not sorry.
I wear purple and yellow every chance I get.
I sit in my house for days on end and stare at the basketballs in the closet.
When I go through Inglewood I look longingly at the Forum but it’s dark now.
You should have seen me in my backyard.
My wife thinks I’m demented.
I won’t listen to John Cougar Mellencamp because he’s from the same state as Larry Bird.
Kobe Bryant we still haven’t talked about Game Four, either.
I’m addressing you.
I’m not going to let my emotional life be run by Phil Jackson.
I’m obsessed with the triangle offense.
I think it’s unhealthy.
I see Xs and Os every time I walk past a court.
I’m talking about backdoor cuts and good paint penetration.
I see the ghost of Scottie Pippen.
He’s always talking about rebounds. Garnett rebounds. Duncan rebounds. Lebron
rebounds. Everyone rebounds but us.
It occurs to me that we were born eight days apart.
We could have gone to school together.
You were grew up in Italy.
And I went to Hebrew school.
Talk about cultural differences!
We’d better start thinking rehab.
Rehab your hand and take care of that ankle and stop worrying about what millions of schmuck sportswriters are going to say in the off-season about choking.
We’ll not talk about that and let’s not think about all the t-shirts that are no longer relevant and will be sent to underprivileged children in Africa.
They also wear Patriots shirts because in Africa they won the Superbowl, Boston wasn’t all bad this year.
My ambition is to replace David Stern as commissioner because he keeps trying to clean up the game.
Kobe Bryant I’m still willing to ghostwrite your autobiography.
I think I could do a really good job, it’d be like Lance Armstrong’s but more literary and with fewer bicycles.
Kobe Bryant have I got a deal for you, gimme season tickets and I’ll write it for free.
Kobe Bryant free Andrew Bynum
Kobe Bryant save Jack Nicholson
Kobe Bryant Derek Fisher really should stay in the lineup
Kobe Bryant I am Kurt Rambis
Kobe Bryant when I was seven the Lakers took the series in six I had a t-shirt everyone had one in my class and we cheered they played fastbreak ball and Kareem looked like a mosquito with those goggles and it was exhilerating you have no idea how good a coach Pat Riley used to be in 1985 Michael Cooper looked like a stick figure Tom Bradley declared Laker Day I saw Magic make no-look passes. Everybody had those
short shorts.
Kobe Bryant you don’t really want to be traded.
Kobe Bryant it’s them bad Celtics.
Them Celtics them Celtics and them Spurs. And them Celtics.
The Boston wants to eat us alive. The Boston’s fulla itself. She wants to take our pride and hang it from the rafters.
Her wants to steamroll the Pistons. Her needs a Green Monster. Her wants our
celebrity fans. Her bought two big superstars running full court.
That no good. Ugh. Him makes good shot decisions. Him need decent point guard.
Hah. Her always make the extra pass. Help.
Kobe Bryant this is quite serious.
Kobe Bryant this is the impresstion I get from looking in the television set.
Kobe Bryant is this correct?
You’d better get right down to the job.
It’s true I can’t help you much out
myself, I have no vert and bad knees anyway.
Kobe Bryant I’m thinking about next year.